Just a Scratch
by Debochira
Summary: While investigating a Quarian ship that was attacked by heretic Geth, Commander Shepard comes upon a very interesting and vaguely familiar sight. When all was said and done, all he could think was, "No more vid recommendations from Joker..."


As Commander Shepard moved forward inside the Quarian ship Camelot, he and his companions Tali and EDI scanned the hallways for anything of interest. So far, all they discovered were minor research notes, spare credits, and some medi gel, since Tali was mildly wounded earlier after an encounter with rogue Geth. Working his way deeper, towards the airlock back to the Normandy, Shepard came upon a most interesting sight.

A single Quarian, in a jet black envirosuit blazoned with a red crest, wrestled with a Geth Trooper, using his omni-tool as a makeshift sword to duel the mechanical foe. Dodging a horizontal swipe from the Geth, the Quarian swung his omni-blade down, only for it to be deflected. The Geth jutted its leg against the organic warrior's knee, then bashed its fist against its opponent's helmet, dazing him.

The Quarian used the backwards momentum to slingshot his upper body into the trooper's, driving a glowing fist into the Geth's abdominal region and causing the synthetic to double over. The Quarian hooked his elbow over the Geth's shoulder and pulled back sharply, driving the point of his arm into the back of its neck and sending it to the ground. The black-clad Quarian swung his omni-sword down in an attempt to slice the form down the middle, but it quickly rolled out of the way and crashed its fists against the Quarian's helmet, knocking him aside.

The synthetic trooper all but pounced on its fallen opponent, only for the Quarian to snatch its wrists and fling it over his head. Performing an organically impossible combat roll, the Geth shot to its feet and charged at the Quarian with fists raised over its flashlight head. The organic warrior responded in kind by detaching his omni-tool and tossing it straight through the Geth's ocular device. The synthetic sputtered and chortled before it finally collapsed in a heap of scrap and electronic waste.

Taking a deep and well-earned breath, the black Quarian walked over to its defeated enemy and grabbed the omni-tool, pressing his three-toed boot against the trooper's head to yank his device out. Once all was said and done, the Quarian stepped directly in front of the airlock, facing Shepard's direction with arms folded over his envirosuited chest.

Shepard had initially wanted to intervene and help the Quarian, but Tali held him back, stating that she knew the organic fighter could handle the situation. Since the fight was over, there was nothing to keep Shepard from returning to the Normandy… except the Quarian who now stood in the way.

Approaching with arms raised to signify peace and no firearms, Shepard praised, "That was a hell of a fight." He stood slightly off from the main airlock, but the Quarian had yet to face him or give any indication he knew Shepard was there. He merely stared straight ahead, eyes glued on the opposite wall. "I'm Commander Shepard of the SSV Normandy." Once again, the Quarian gave no sign of understanding or acknowledgement. The Normandy Commander glanced uneasily at Tali, who looked just as puzzled as he. "You know, I could use a strong fighter like you on my ship." The black-clad Quarian was more solid than marble.

Shepard looked over his shoulder at EDI, who immediately ran a diagnostic scan on the Quarian. "The Quarian shows no sign of indoctrination. It is possible his auditory sensors were damaged by strikes to his helmet."

Nodding slowly, Shepard turned back to the Quarian and said, "You can fight, so why not join us on the crew? Tali could use some extra company in the engine room." The female Quarian smiled slightly. "What do you say? Come with us?" The black-suited Quarian stood completely still for another few seconds, and then subtly raised his shoulders. Commander Shepard rolled slightly on the balls of his feet, stole a quick glance to Tali, then said, "That's too bad, but it's your choice. Tali, EDI, let's go." He made for the airlock door, but the Quarian was still standing there at sharp attention.

"None shall pass," the black Quarian said at last.

Shepard was caught off guard by the sudden speech and could only blabber, "Wha-"

"_None_ shall pass." Even with the stout refusal, the Quarian had yet to actually turn his head in Shepard's direction, and it began to grate on the Commander's nerves.

"Look, I'm not trying to pick a fight, pal." Shepard gestured to the blocked door. "I just need to get through this airlock."

"Then you shall _die_."

Now Shepard was getting angry. This random Quarian was threatening him without any basis or reason. Clenching his fists, the Commander seethed, "I _order_ you, as Council Spectre, to _step aside_!" Tali and EDI wisely backed away from the oncoming scuffle.

"I move," the Quarian finally turned his head to stare daggers at Shepard, "for no man."

EDI nudged close to Tali and whispered, "Should we intervene?"

With a shrug, Tali answered, "This Quarian has obviously lost his mind. Anything that happens to him now is a kindness. Besides," she leaned into EDI, "I like to imagine this as Shepard fighting for my love against a rival suitor."

Arming his own omni-tool, Shepard growled at the Quarian, "Have it your way." The Quarian activated his hardlight blade and slashed against Shepard's torso. The Spectre blocked easily and made to strike from above, but the Quarian deflected that and moved to strike downwards.

Shepard sidestepped the first slash and blocked the second, then quickly backpedaled from the horizontal swipe and made a chop for the Quarian's neck. The envirosuited man ducked under and lunged at the Commander, who hastily deflected the attack. When the Quarian lunged again, Shepard diverted his enemy's omni-tool and bonked his elbow against the Quarian's helmet, ringing a hollow sound as though he kicked an empty bucket.

The black-clad warrior staggered back, making confused and disoriented sounds on the way. He jabbed his omni-tool forward, only for Shepard to deflect and make a vertical strike against the Quarian's left shoulder.

"Oops," the Commander muttered as he and his opponent watched the Quarian's left arm pop off at the seam and fall to the floor with a wet _plop!_

"Keelah!" cried Tali, holding a hand over her eyes.

EDI, ever the tactful one, stated simply, "You miscalculated your strike trajectory. I recommend you make adjustments to avoid, or increase the likelihood, of similar events in the future."

Rolling his eyes at the android, Shepard declared, "Step aside, tough guy."

The Quarian barely reacted to the sight of his arm severed and twitching by his foot. "Tis but a scratch."

"A scratch?!" Shepard and Tali blurted at the same time. Nodding at the limb, Shepard nearly shouted, "Your arm's cut off!"

Not missing a beat, the Quarian retorted, "No it isn't."

The Commander pointed at the arm with the very omni-tool used to sever it. "What's that, then?" he challenged.

The Quarian looked down with mild disinterest and shrugged. "I've had worse."

Shepard quickly looked at the bloody stump on the Quarian's shoulder. There were no signs of biotic enhancement or cybernetic implants, or anything that would look unusual in a coroner's office. "You liar!" the Commander declared.

"Come on, ya pansy!" the Quarian hollered, then swiped his omni-blade at Shepard, who blocked easily. The Quarian swung again, clashing the hardlight blades together, then reared his arm back as though he were holding a lance. Bellowing a battle cry, the Quarian charged, only for Shepard to almost laughably step aside and bring his own omni-tool through the envirosuited man's _other_ shoulder, resulting in another severed limb.

"Keelah, Shepard!" Tali screeched. "I got blood on my visor now!"

Shepard meekly winced as he deactivated his omni-tool and knelt down beside one of the detached arms. "If we can get him on to the ship, Dr. Chakwas may be able to–" Whatever he was about to say was lost when a three-toed boot pushed against his head and knocked him over.

Looking up, he saw the Black Quarian standing there, armless, and kicking at him. "Come on then," the envirosuited man challenged.

Shepard was so shocked and befuddled that all he could say was a high-pitched "What?!"

"Have at you!" The Quarian kicked his leg as the Commander stood up.

Groaning, Shepard glared at his ill-minded opponent and said, "You got balls, I'll give you that, but this fight is mine."

"Oh, had enough, eh?" the Quarian retorted, skittering about like a wrestler aiming for an opening.

Shepard exchanged exasperated looks with Tali and, turning to the male Quarian, seethed, "Look, you stupid fucktard, you've got no arms left!"

"Yes I have!"

"Look!" Shepard shouted, pointed to the two limbs.

The Quarian looked casually at the stump of his shoulder and shrugged. "Just a flesh wound." He kicked pathetically at the Commander's leg again.

"Quit it!" Shepard ordered.

"Bosh'tet!" the Black Quarian taunted. "Bosh'teeet!" He kicked Shepard in the knee.

"I'm gonna take your leg!" Shepard threatened, only to be met by another weak kick to his knee. "Fine!" In one swift stroke, Shepard activated his omni-tool and sliced through the Quarian's right leg in mid-kick, sending it flying over to Tali's feet.

Not even bothering to curse, Tali all but fainted into EDI's arms.

Hopping humorously on one leg, the Black Quarian hissed, "Right! I'll do you for that!"

"You'll _what_?!" Shepard cried, giving up on maintaining a serious demeanor in front of this lunatic.

"C'mere!"

Rolling his eyes, Shepard gestured to the Quarian's limb stumps. "What're you gonna do, _bleed_ on me?"

The Quarian nudged against Shepard and shouted, "I'm invincible!"

Not even looking at the now-cripple, Shepard droned, "You're fucking insane."

Managing to stand tall even while hopping on one foot, the Quarian proudly proclaimed, "Blac'Kniggit vas Camelot always triumphs!" He leaned against the Commander again. "Have at you!" Through half-lidded eyes, the Spectre glared at Blac and readied his omni-blade. "Come on then!" Blac attempted a jump kick, but failed miserably when hard orange light cleaved right through his leg, leaving the Quarian grounded, though somehow still upright on his pelvis. Shepard relaxed and deactivated his omni-tool, and Blac looked up at him with mild respect. "Alright, we call it a draw."

Rolling his eyes, the Commander looked back to see EDI holding Tali bridal-style. Gesturing to the airlock, Shepard tiredly said, "Come on, EDI."

As the door opened and Shepard nearly ran through, Black'Kniggit chuckled and jeered, "Oh, I see! Running away, eh?" The door closed sharply, leaving the insane Quarian alone with the Geth corpse. "You human _bastard_!" He watched from the nearby window as the Normandy departed from the system a bit faster than normal. "Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll _bite_ your legs off!"

* * *

Shepard opened his eyes to find himself snuggled cozily in bed, the lights of his cabin dimmed so he could sleep. Looking down, he saw the characteristic purple tint of Tali's visor as she slept peacefully beside him. Refusing himself a groan, Shepard rubbed his face with one hand. Careful not to wake the Quarian in his bed, the Spectre activated his omni-tool, went into the vid archives of his personal database, selected one entry, and deleted it with surprising vehemence.

The deed done, Shepard rolled over and wrapped his arms around Tali, and allowed one thought to pass through his mind before he fell asleep again: _No more 'recommendations' from Joker._

* * *

Watch _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_ sometime!


End file.
